"Earning Extra Money By Begging"
From Berton Corson / Usenet Posts
PLEASE READ: The below is a joke. Reason why I say that,
is because I had one person e-mail me from Barron's (the
financial
weekly), wanting to know whether I was for real (Yep, I am a
real person). I also had some scatterbrained woman e-mail me,
scolding me that I represent everything wrong in society (true,
I guess). Plus she said she is going to report me to the IRS.
So, Puh-leeze, all readers out there: Get a hold of yourselves!
Bert
Date: Mon, 20 May 1996 09:07:27 -0700
From: berton corson (aka Mr. Poor)
Dear consumers,frugal living, and investment groups:
I've decided to go begging in order to save some extra money.
I need advice before I go out and do it. Some of the
questions I have are:
How much can I expect to earn from begging? My goal here is
to earn $20 an hour from it. If I bring in more money than
I spend, how should I invest my excess begging funds?
Does the IRS expect me to declare begging income on my tax
return? If so, where do I put it on my return? And will I
have to pay extra social security taxes on my begging income,
since it might be considered earned income? What's the
chance of the IRS grilling me during an audit about begging
income, if I don't report it?
Does the U.S. Government issue any informational pamphlets
for beggars, which explains this line of work?
Where are the best, and safest, areas to beg? I live in
the San Fernando Valley area of Los Angeles. I would think
Burbank Airport or L.A. Airport would be productive areas.
Also, the major shopping centers. What will the management
of these facilities do to me if I stick around begging? Will
they kick me out? Isn't begging protected by the U.S.
Constitution
as a freedom of speech?
Should I park my car quite a distance from where I beg? I figure
it might lower my begging take, if people see I own a decent
car. On the other hand, it might be safer if I have my car near-
by, in case I need to flee from some sort of trouble.
How should I dress to go begging? Should I dress as messy as
possible, to make people think I'm extremely dirt poor? Doing
that might bring more sympathy, and thus more money. But if I
dress more sharply, does that mean I could get away with begging
in more high-class areas, such as in front of Gucci's, without
any management chasing me away? Begging in Beverly Hills I would
probably meet more people with fatter wallets this way.
How long should I stay in one place before I move? I'm afraid
if someone watches me in one place for too long a period, I might
be robbed or beaten-up.
What's the best time and/or day of week to go begging? Does
weather make much a difference? Begging on extremely hot or
cold/wet days would be quite uncomfortable, but if lousy weather
brings in more money due to lack of competition from other
beggars, I think I'll do it.
And any other advice would be appreciated.
(Advice follows)
Mr. Poor wrote:
| How much can I expect to earn from
begging? My goal here is
| to earn $20 an hour from it. If I bring in more money than
| I spend, how should I invest my excess begging funds?
Precious metals, which can be purchased for cash. You
might consider
purchasing your own shopping cart, though. Then, in the unlikely
event
that you are arrested for shopping cart theft/inappropriate
appropriation,
you can provide proof of ownership on the spot -- no down time
and you're
back begging in no time. You should really have a professional
financial
adviser, though; anyone who takes financial advice from the net
is just
asking to be taken. (Although some of the MAKE MONEY FAST
postings do
have a certain attraction...)
| Does the IRS expect me to declare begging income on my tax
| return? If so, where do I put it on my return?
Yes. There's a box for "other income." Alternatively,
you might use
Schedule C, which will allow you to deduct certain business
expenses and
depreciate your capital equipment. You will be expected to obtain
a
Taxpayer Identification Number, however; a Social Security number
is not
sufficient. This will, however, enable you to set up a Keogh
retirement
plan with either a defined benefit or defined contribution basis.
(See
your tax advisor for details.)
| Do I have to pay extra social security
taxes on my begging income,
| since it might be considered earned income? What's the
| chance of the IRS grilling me during an audit about begging
| income, if I don't report it?
Begging is probably considered self-employment, in which case you
would be
expected to pay Self-Employment tax (equal to what both you AND
your
employer would have to pay under Social Security). Re audit: if
you are
obviously living beyond your legal means they might conduct an
investigation. Obvious precaution: DO NOT TAKE YOUR SHOPPING CART
TO THE
AUDIT! It's a dead giveaway, as you might as well ask them to
confiscate
your stuff on the spot! (I am not an attorney. I don't even play
one on
tv. See your tax advisor for specific advice.)
| Does the U.S. Government issue any informational pamphlets
| for beggars, which explains this line of work?
Probably not. If you can't figure it out for yourself, you
probably
wouldn't be successful at it anyway. On the other hand, you might check the
headings under "Senate" and "House of Representatives."
| Should I park my car quite a distance
from where I beg? I figure
| it might lower my begging take, if people see I own a decent
| car. On the other hand, it might be safer if I have my car near
| by, in case I need to flee from some sort of trouble.
You may keep it nearby for emergencies, but DO NOT visit it
during begging
hours. (The one exception: if it is brush-painted with
housepaint,
filled with rotting cabbage leaves, and bears the words
"FOOD FOR JESUS"
on both sides.) Make sure that the battery is kept charged and
the
engine is in good condition.
| How should I dress to go begging? Should
I dress as messy as
| possible, to make people think I'm extremely dirt poor?
Yes. The problem is body odor: how much, how little? If you don't
smell
bad enough people will know that you are faking and refuse to
contribute,
thereby decreasing your income. If you are truly foul, people
will be
unwilling to approach you, thereby decreasing your income.
Placing a
large container nearby into which people may put money without
actually
having to get near enough to smell you is probably a good bet. As
usual,
"seed" the container with a few fives and some change.
| If I dress more sharply, does that mean I
could get away with begging
| in more high-class areas, such as in front of Gucci's, without
| any management chasing me away? Begging in Beverly Hills I
would
| probably meet more people with fatter wallets this way.
Again, a difficult decision. On reflection, dressing better for
richer
areas is probably not a good idea; as discussed here in other
threads,
rich people do not necessarily feel the same pressure to wear
expensive
clothing that poor people feel, and if you dress too well you
might be
mistaken for another rich person. Perhaps cleaner but equally
shabby
clothing is in order, along with more frequent baths.
| How long should I stay in one place
before I move? I'm afraid
| if someone watches me in one place for too long a period, I
might
| be robbed or beaten-up.
You do right to worry about this problem. Studies have shown that
beggars can generally stay in one place for up to one hour
without being
molested by ruffians. However, the more ruffians, the sooner you
should
move on.
| What's the best time and/or day of week
to go begging?
Sunday is always good. Check out the church pages of your
newspaper for
sermon titles regarding the virtues of sharing with the poor,
along with
service schedules. Fridays (paydays) are also excellent. December
is
iffy. People are feeling generous, but they are also aware that
they are
spending far too much money on people they actually know, or wish
they
knew.
| Does weather make much a difference?
Begging on extremely hot or
| cold/wet days would be quite uncomfortable, but if lousy
weather
| brings in more money due to lack of competition from other
| beggars, I think I'll do it.
It is clear that you understand that sacrifices might have to be
made to
pursue this career option; however, I think you will find that
the lack
of competition will more than make up for your discomfort. Be
aware that
you *must* make it possible for your clients to transact business
with you
without getting wet or sweaty. If you are stationed at a freeway
off-ramp, for example, a flattened cardboard box used as an
umbrella to
shield the client's arm from rain is an excellent idea.
| And any other advice would be
appreciated.
DO NOT SMOKE! A potential client who sees you smoking will
conclude that
if you can afford to smoke you are not really needy. Perrier is
likewise
a no-no, as is any kind of alcoholic beverage. However, water in
a milk
jug is perfectly acceptable, as are bread crusts.
A clever sign is a bad idea. Signs saying "Will write ad
copy for food"
or "I need a beer" will inspire laughter, not sympathy.
Best is a long
rambling diatribe against the Capitalist Hate Mongers who have
put you in
the predicament in which you find yourself -- make sure you write
small
so that nobody will take the time to read it. Remember the prime
rule of
begging: "GET THE GIFT AND GET RID OF THE GIVER"
d