More Of Bert's Gourmet Dining Suggestions

Dear Junky Pages:

I've decided to eat cat and dog food for half my nourishment, in order to save money. I would like suggestions and advice here, including:

Any good recipes to prepare and/or mix my cat and dog food with.

The nutritional aspects of both cat and dog food. Which ones might be the best nutritionally for humans? (e.g. protein, fat content, etc.)

Which are the best products to buy (best taste for least costs)?

Compare the canned and dried products. I figure I could use mainly canned foods for lunch and dinner, and the dried/bagged products as an alternative to breakfast cereal. Should I add milk?

Advice on the social aspects of such a diet. I really would like to brown bag my cat and dog food to work, so I can eat it in the break room for lunch. How do you think I should should deal with co-workers who might be disgusted with what I'm dining on? But, if you ask me, eating cat or dog food can't be half as bad as all that McDonald's and Taco Bell that I see others bringing to work to eat.

And any other advice you can give me.


Dear Gourmet Dining Friend:

I always liked Skippy brand dog food myself. It's a lot like a good can of chili, but instead of chunks of beef, it has chunks of horse, or chunks of many other old farm animals, including parts of animals not usually sold for human consumption. But you really can't tell the difference. And, besides, eating many new exciting foods is all in the fun of being an expert food connoisseur. Also, that nice brown gravy that comes with Skippy sure goes well with crispy dog biscuits.

I try to stay away from Alpo, as its taste sort of reminds me of canned corned beef hash, which I don't really like. But even then, it still tastes better. I guess it would be OK in a baked casserole, or used in a sandwich, sliced into patties when cold. Your kids should love Alpo in sandwiches your wife can pack them for lunch.

The dried stuff is great as snack food. Whenever I have a party, I always mix some in with my trail mix appetizer. My friends always comment on how different it tastes. I always seem to have lots left over. Just pack them in zip-lock bags, to bring to the movies for your family to snack on. I would love to have more parties to try out more of my special, cost-saving recipes, but all of my friends now seem so busy all of the time.

I'm sure you can figure out some great recipes on your own time. Just make sure you share them. I'm getting hungry just thinking about this!

As far as dining on dog food at work, go ahead! I wouldn't be too concerned about what your co-workers think. Besides, dining on pet food might be a very good way of making a statement to your boss that you really need a raise. And even if this doesn't work in getting you a pay increase, for sure you won't be invited again to contribute to the office pot-luck party, thus saving you more money! You just can't lose!

About eating cat food, though. You must be joking. Just the thought of it is quite disgusting. But if you do dine on it, you are one sick puppy.

(Below is Bert's quick junky advice given to someone asking a question in the la.eats usenet group.)

Usenet Poster: Dear Anyone,

We are going to Palm Springs the first week of August (Yeah, I know, a dumb move.). But I'm looking for something tasty around $100 per couple, including a bottle of wine. Any suggestions?

Bert: Denny's.

Usenet Poster: Thank you Bert. Do you want your enema now or later? :)

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